Innocence
by Bluenet13
Summary: Post-ep to Kill Beale: Vol. 1 - After a tough day at work, Kensi receives an unexpected visit that night.


_I can't say I started the day planning to write this, I was more meaning to edit the epilogue to Ghost and continue working on a possible new multi-chapter story. But as I was sitting outside, enjoying that it finally stopped raining, I got to thinking about last night's episode and wrote this on my phone. It's been a while since I've written a post-ep so I'm a bit doubtful about this, but when am I not doubtful about posting? So here we are. _

x-x-x

No longer used to coming back to an empty house, Kensi ate her sad takeout in silence, one hand caressing Monty's fur, the other tucked under her head. She more played with her noodles than actually ate them but the events of the day had shaken her and coming home to a house devoid of Deeks only did worse in terms of her mood.

She had tried to be strong for Nell, well knowing the analyst was not used to having her partner face mortal danger, but in the solitude of her kitchen, she finally allowed her tears to fall. The sight of Eric, alive and well, wearing his colorful souvenir sweatshirt had made the day feel like just a bad nightmare but now she allowed it all to sink in. Letting her mind wander to what losing the cheerful tech could have done to her team, she realized they would not be able to survive another loss. Much less that of a guy still so full of innocence and childish joy even with all the things he had watched during his law enforcement career. It might have something to do with the difference between coming in contact with a dead body face to face versus a screen. But Kensi still knew what Eric had was very rare. Most NCIS employees having lost their innocence at this point.

Kensi still vividly remembered when it had happened to her. It had all started in childhood when her father had been taken away, but even then she had still managed to remain a child to the best of her abilities. The times on the streets had hardened her, but she still saw life through hopeful eyes. That period had toughened her up but it hadn't taken away her innocence. It helped that soon after she had met the Cupcake Girls and they kept her from falling too deep into the abyss, especially once she secretly decided to look for answers and pursue a career in NCIS. Her big change had then begun when Callen had been shot. Facing death so close had not only shaken the agent but also made her question her own mortality for the first time. Because if OSP's team leader could get shot to hell in front of a man that was like his brother, what's to say it couldn't happen to a junior agent. The ultimate punch had come months later when her own partner had been kidnapped and subsequently killed. She had never been best friends with Dom, but he had been a good agent and partner. His death had been the point of no return and life was never the same afterwards. Since Donald Blye had been killed, she had begun building a wall around her, and Dom's death was the last brick in the structure, sealing her feelings to the outside world and making her silently wonder if she was destined to a life of solitude because she was too scared of getting hurt again.

Then had come into her life a happy-go-lucky detective called Martin Deeks. A man with his own baggage of hurt and pain but who had managed to make her world shine again. The day he had been kidnapped and tortured had taken from her another sliver of her remaining innocence, but it had also made her realize that a life alone wasn't worth the effort and she had then decided to go all in with him. Even if the actual leap had taken a few extra months.

Now Eric could have been badly hurt or even killed, and that would have been the last straw not only for her, but for everyone on their team. Kensi especially not wanting to let her mind wander on what it could have done to Nell, but she made a mental note to call her friend in the morning and make sure she was doing alright. Kensi was sure her relationship with Deeks would have survived this new hit but them individually and their team would have never been the same. The thought making her question if Deeks was right and it was time to finally hang up their guns. They could still do good for the world, just not by constantly risking their lives. But it was an important step and Kensi knew she couldn't make it in the aftermath of such a personal and difficult case, or rather, workday, because Eric would never be just a case to them.

Sighing sadly, Kensi decided to put a stop to her mental monologue before her thoughts continued on their current downward spiral. So cleaning the table and discarding the empty takeout cartons, Kensi turned off the lights and went to her room. It was still early in the night but she was in no mood to do anything but sleep. Not wanting to think of what Deeks was doing now or whether he had protection in whatever LAPD assignment he was involved with, she decided instead to try to sleep. It hadn't come easy but eventually in between thoughts of Eric and Deeks, she had finally managed to find some peace.

x-x-x

Monty's bark woke Kensi up a few hours later. The agent not having any time to process what was happening before a lone figure climbed into bed next to her. Deeks' scent instantly recognizable, his hands embracing her from behind, the LAPD detective also breathing her in as he tried finding his own calm.

"What are you doing here?" Kensi breathed out. Her fingers quickly intertwining with Deeks' as he placed a kiss over her head. "I thought you were supposed to be gone for the whole week".

"I am. But I heard what happened. And I had to come see for myself that everyone is okay". Deeks explained simply. "Is Beale okay? How's Nell? He asked in quick succession. The sight of Kensi managed to ease his nerves but still he needed reassurance about the rest of his team.

"Shaken but okay. Beale was grazed by a tranquilizer dart but even then he still managed to escape." Kensi began to share. Her mind going back to her previous thoughts as she realized how close it all came to going very wrong. "He continues to say he was shot, but he really wasn't. But considering the closest Eric had come to actually being shot is losing a life in one of his video games. I guess we can give him this one." Kensi finished with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Having tried taking a page off Deeks' book to defuse the tension with humor, but her attempt falling flat.

"And Nell?" Deeks continued, having been on the receiving end of one's partner being kidnapped so knowing from experience how guilty and hopeless Nell would have felt.

"She's a badass." Kensi said honestly. "She was sad, but she still kicked ass. Didn't rest until she found him on a street cam." Then Kensi suddenly laughed for the first time that night as she recalled Eric's Naruto run, making a mental note to tell Deeks about it after they were done sharing the more important details. "She even threatened the bad guy."

"I'm glad they have each other." Deeks said, thinking of how Eric and Nell could be considered a younger version of Kensi and him.

"And I'm glad I have you." Kensi then let out a nervous breath, letting the sudden proximity to her husband release the remaining stress. "I thought about calling you a few times today, had the phone in hand and all, but I didn't want to get you in trouble… or worry you." She continued softly, recalling every time during that day when she had determinedly taken out her phone to make the call, but each time ending in the dejected agent only able to stare at the picture on the screen.

"You could have called me, Kens. You know I'll always be here for you. Even if I need to deal with Bates afterwards. You well know I can always slip away unnoticed." Deeks' eyes blinked mischievously as he remembered days in their early partnership when he had managed to momentarily escape LAPD assignments to pay his partner a quick visit.

"Thank you for coming tonight." Was all Kensi managed, knowing that small sentence was enough and that Deeks already knew everything that had remained unsaid.

"Any day, any time. You know I will always fight my way to get back to you." Deeks replied emotionally, having desperately needed to be with Kensi tonight.

"Won't you get in trouble?" Kensi asked worriedly. Remembering that he was supposed to be on assignment and knowing from experience how dangerous it could be to break cover, even for just a few hours.

"Not tonight, baby. I needed to be here." Deeks said, not wanting her to feel guilty but also knowing he had wanted this as much as her. "Plus, I'm not undercover." Deeks lied, trying to ease his wife's worries and acknowledge her unspoken question.

"Then why did they call you?" Kensi continued to probe.

"A weapon's trafficker from the past decided to make a comeback. I was undercover in his crew before, but the players have changed. And they didn't want me under again, especially as they don't know how long it would take. I'm just providing some guidance so to speak. I spent all day on overwatch today, making sure the new guy doesn't blow it before the op ever begins. That's how I learned what was happening." Deeks shared the partial truth.

"How so?"

"A call came to the police scanner, something about a shooting and a panic room. I guessed you guys were somehow involved. So I called Bates. He said everything was okay and that the situation had been taken care off. But then I overheard some other cops I'm working with talking about a buddy of them that works for SFPD and they mentioned NCIS and Beale. So I came home." He finished simply.

"And your assignment? Are you done?" Kensi asked hopefully, wanting nothing more than to have him back full time.

"Not yet." Deeks said sadly.

"But if it's a weapons trafficking case, can't we get NCIS involved?" Kensi pushed hopefully, wanting to be the one protecting him, just as Nell had been watching over Eric today.

"These are not the type of weapons that can cause an international incident or any sort of terrorism, just maybe a gang war if left in the streets, so it's not really NCIS' jurisdiction and I don't want to piss off Bates. With this assignment I can at least do some good, unlike the k-9 unit." Deeks continued to explain, shuddering as he thought back to that particular day.

Noticing his wife silence, Deeks decided to put in practice his uc skills as he spun a tale, with some lies hidden in between partial truths. "...They just want to wait until the new guy is safely inside this crew. If not they want me to do an introduction." Noticing Kensi's quick intake of air, he kissed her again before resuming his monologue. "It's a last resort baby, I'm sure it won't come to that. But that's why they don't want me to stay here for the week. They want me ready in case I need to go in. But I would just need to help the guy get in. I promise."

"Ok." Kensi knew what battles to fight, and recognized this one wasn't worth starting. Certain that nothing she said would deter Deeks from helping out. LAPD was still his home as much as NCIS and he would never turn his back on them. Especially if doing so could get another promising undercover officer hurt.

"Thank you." For understanding, for not pushing, for choosing me. All things remaining unsaid as Deeks decided not to voice those thoughts.

"Do you have to go tonight?" Kensi inquired eventually. Wanting Deeks to be safe but also selfishly needing to be close to him tonight.

"In the morning, baby. I will slip out before you wake up. We don't need another goodbye. And I will be back before you know it." Deeks replied, recalling Kensi's reaction when he had gotten the call from LAPD and the teary goodbye that had followed. Neither agent nor detective used to him being called back on assignment anymore.

"I love you." Kensi punctuated each word with a kiss to his hands, frowning when she noticed his bruised knuckles. "What's this?" She asked, as she tried turning around to face him, but Deeks strong arms kept her in place.

"It's nothing." Deeks said in a soft, guilt-stricken tone.

"Deeks." Kensi's warning tone was enough for him to release his hold. An audible gasp was then heard as Kensi took in the cuts and bruise that matted this face. "What happened?"

"Just the job, Fern. You know how it goes." He then shrugged nonchalantly. Kissing her on the lips for the first time in the last three days. "I'm okay." He reassured.

Kensi didn't say anything else, just silently got up from the bed and moved to the bathroom, coming out a few minutes later with a first aid kit in hand. The anger in her mismatched eyes was enough to deter any comment or joke from her husband, so she proceeded to clean his wounds until she felt satisfied. Deeks winced a couple of times but said nothing, not wanting to anger Kensi any further. She had wanted to ask more about the case, to know what was really going on, but she knew Deeks had already said what he wanted and she honestly didn't want to waste their time together talking case.

"Thank you." Deeks said when she was done, moving the kit to the side as he drew Kensi to him.

The rest of their night was spent in a comfortable silence. Kensi's anger quickly subsiding as she knew she couldn't fault Deeks for acting the same way she would. After all, she had put herself in harm's way one too many times. The thought making her realize that she couldn't fault Eric either, because one way or another, saving others and the world, was ingrained in every fiber of their beings, regardless of status as tech, analyst, agent or detective.

The next morning, after many kisses, hugs and some not so pg-13 activities, Deeks silently slipped out of the house, reminding himself to call Beale when it was a more decent time. Walking outside, he drew his leather jacket in close as the early morning chill bit into his skin. His alias beginning to seep back into place, but his night with Kensi and her reassurance about Beale's wellbeing being enough to keep the real Deeks in control.

Kensi, for her part, had woken up a few hours later to another empty bed. This time, however, not feeling so lonely anymore. After an unexpected night with Deeks, she was feeling more relaxed than before, even if now she also worried about him getting hurt. After he was back, she would ask him what was his part in that case exactly, but for now, she just had to trust that he knows what he's doing and find comfort in the knowledge that he had the skills to successfully carry out any undercover job. Ultimately the feeling that she wouldn't change her current life for anything being enough to obscure any lingering doubts, because even if this life had taken away some parts of her, she still preferred to have friends like Eric and a husband like Deeks over any amount of innocence that she could have kept.

x-x-x

_I wrote this on my phone and edited less than I normally do, so I apologize in advance if I have more mistakes than usual. I also tend to write from Deeks' perspective, but this time I decided to try with Kensi, so I'm not sure how it turned out. Thanks for reading and hope to hear your thoughts._


End file.
